Please Let Me Babble

The past week has been the worst of my life.

And when I say that, I am not joking. 

Everything else that I USED to think was the worst week, now when I think back I go "at least I was prepared for what happened".

This time I just was blind sided.

I was in pain on Wednesday and went to a doctor.

Diagnosis #1. 

I was in complete shock, really really angry, and devastated.

My head was still reeling, I still wasn't sleeping or eating when Friday came along.

Friday = Diagnosis #2.

Crohn's disease.

This one I'll tell you about - the other, I just can't even get the words out.

By the time Friday came along I couldn't even take it.

I drove home and cried and cried and cried.

Just the Monday before I kept smiling at Adam at dinner and kept saying "I am so happy, life is so great."

Why does it seem like the best times are just faking you out before everything comes crashing down? Or are you happy to try to get through the trials? Ugh I don't know and I am sick of analyzing it. And I usually don't like posting crap like this, but I promised to be real. And if I don't share it here, I don't know where I will. I have vented to everyone else close enough to me that they are probably seeking therapy and/or medication.

For Diagnosis #1 - I am on medicine that makes me very sick and frankly gives me the worst damn headache of my life. It has been an emotional roller coaster and not only made me upset, but has made me upset my whole family. It brought up all the old issues with my dad that most of us were overcoming by now. Now it just all got brought up again. 

When I got this diagnosis, there was ZERO hesitation from my doctor. It was we need to do testing to figure out which type it is. Then I found out Sunday that the test came back negative - at first I was irate! How dare they put me through what they put me through if they weren't positive, but then I was relieved. Yes I don't have it! My family and I don't need to be upset! I called the doctor joyous and ready to throw my medicine away - but oh no, they want me to keep taking it. They say a test is never 100% sure, keep taking the medicine, and we'll see you in 10 days. SERIOUSLY? So now I have no clue if I really have what they think I have, or if I'm just shoving these nasty pills down my throat for no good reason.

Diagnosis #1 has been physically and emotionally sickening, not to mention exhausting. Which has made the realness of Crohn's less than bearable. I learned from my doctor today that I will be starting steroids for 8 LONG weeks. When they told me about it originally it was 3 weeks. LIES. And when I was at the doctor they told me "Steroids are hell, but we do have a new type that some people think aren't as bad..." Should I appreciate them being straightforward with me, or punch them for making me even more depressed? 

But seriously - the cherry on the sundae today was them telling me I have to get another colonoscopy first thing in January. I begged, I pleaded. Was it absolutely necessary to do another one so soon?!?! They say I have to have this one within 8-10 weeks of my last one. They said I could get it right before Christmas, or this January date. I muted my phone, spit on the ground - then said "January" like a spoiled little brat.

I am just tired. Absolutely tired and exhausted. My poor husband has been amazing, and he and his brother and Dad gave me a beautiful blessing. I know that "trials make you stronger", but I just want a minute to be weak. Does that make any sense, does any of this make any sense? I want a break. Adam and I felt strongly that we needed to have a huge Anniversary get away this year, and boy do I realize why now. I have 17 more days until I get a break. I can do it. Right? 

And it's not all bad. I have to state that. I am incredibly blessed, and I can't forget the little tender mercies I am receiving:

Dinner with Jay and Tori.

Sushi. Delicious sushi.

Kelsy and my Mom. Their long phone calls that have calmed me down and made me not feel alone.

Diet coke. Blessed blessed drink.

Ben & Jerry's Strawberry Cheesecake Ice Cream. I can't even type it without drooling.

The Christensen's. For always stepping up to help with a blessing. For using their sacred priesthood power to help both Adam & I.

Anna. So glad my sister in law is becoming such a close friend. Thank you for always listening, for being my "therapist", my cheerleader, and for your freaking amazing fajitas.

My amazing little girl. She always comes up and says "I ho ju" meaning "I hold you", makes me tear up every time. And she'll randomly jump in my arms and start singing Barney's I Love You. She is such an amazing gift.

And Adam. As if he hasn't proved himself enough, this week sealed him as "Greatest Husband to Ever Roam the Earth". I am so grateful for a sweet, massage giving, dinner making, sweet kissing husband. I am the LUCKIEST girl on Earth to have him.

So this might all seem stupid, and I know I will survive. I just needed to vent and cry. And work on picking myself back up.