Five Generations

This Thanksgiving we spent with my Mom. It was a non-Yaya year but we still celebrated with Shannon, my Grandparents, and my Great Grandpa Bushman.

The people in this picture our incredible. No, that word doesn't even come close to describing them.

 My 96 year old Great Grandpa is one of the most energetic people I know. Up until last year he was serving at the temple up to 3 times a week, making himself roasts for Sunday dinner, and gardening his enormous backyard. He has been without his sweetheart for 10 years and today was the first time I heard that ache in his voice. He is tired and he misses her, I think he's ready to go Home. But all of us hope that he can make it just a little longer. He has lived in Payson for well over 30-40 years. The Payson temple has to be completed, he has to walk in the doors before he goes home. I really think he'll do it, I think it's the one thing he has left to do.

My Grandparents have never been one for hugs and mushy feelings, but they have smothered us in their love language countless times. Grandma takes so much time to let you know that she is interested in YOU. She wants to know what you are up to, what you enjoy, and where you are in life. She must spends DAYS each year picking out each grandchild's special Christmas book. She cares about details, which is something we share in common. She is just like her Dad with her energy and always willing to try anything! She is often the one leading the pack when we have activities or going on walks.

My Grandpa is the best man on this Earth... tied with Adam. :) He is always willing to be silly, and let you see the fun and good in every situation. He will dance with you, sing at you, and watch any chick flick you'd like. He has always been willing to serve and help, but I didn't know how much until my Dad left. Countless times he would come to help my mom with even the smallest things she needed around the house. And after they moved into the Saratoga house, my sister's came home to him mowing their grass. He recently was ordained as a patriarch in his stake, and I can't think of a more perfect calling for him. My grandparents have continuinly taught me that FAMILY IS ALL THAT REALLY MATTERS. 

After these three amazing folks, it's no wonder that my Mom turned out to be the incredible woman she is. She likes to have a plan and make sure we are making memories, just like her mom. But she's also the one that makes everything fun. The one that will sing or do something silly, just like her Dad. I didn't realize how much she did for us until I was a mother myself. She always worked full time, had numerous time consuming church callings, made sure the house was clean and decorated, tried new and sometimes exotic meals, and still gave us such great memories. And when you are in trouble, sick, or so upset you can't move - she will always come to your call. No matter what, she is there to talk to you and help you find a solution. 

I am most Thankful this year for this amazing group of people I come from. They have left some GIANT shoes to fill.

Gender Reveal

Kelsy had her ultrasound today! I love everything about babies, but especially when it concerns MY nieces and nephews!

Most of us felt for sure that she would have a girl! Kelsy had even picked out a name that means so much to us for a little girl. By the time today came, I was trying really hard to not be disappointed if it was a boy. 

Kelsy didn't want to make a big deal out of it, but we slyly did our own fun things for the appointment. We each wore the color of our guess, and I definitely think it helped us get what we wanted! :) 

Her baby looks healthy and beautiful and is definitely ALL girl! This missy moves and turns constantly but the minute they could find her - she told us she was a girl, then wouldn't sit still again. It is such a miracle to see a growing baby in their mother. How can people not believe in miracles or God when they see something like it? 

 TEAM GIRL. 

TEAM BOY. 

 My Mom was SOOO sure that it was a boy. She kept teasing and talking trash to all of us, but it looks like she's eating her words now!

We are so excited for this little gal to enter the world. I can't wait to see her and hold her. 

Congrats Kelsy on another beautiful girl! 

Disney on Ice

 We had been counting down the days until March when we could take Audrey to Disney on Ice, and lo and behold! My work had a flyer for discounted tickets for a November show. It was supposedly a different company than the ones who do the March showing but we didn't care. We got the Love girls to all come with us too. We had dinner at Rumbi then headed to the show. 

This show was called "World's of Fantasy". It featured the Cars, The Little Mermaid, Toy Story, and Tinkerbell. 

She was so excited! She was the most attentive I have ever seen her. 

I was giddy about the Little Mermaid being part of the show. It was my favorite movie growing up! I love how they did Ursela's costume. She is one feisty diva. 

Had to sit with Aunt Kelsy for part of the show. 

And she devoured almost that entire bucket of popcorn by herself. Definitely our daughter. 

I love these two and all our fun adventures. 

Audrey had just barely started watching Toy Story 2 so she was really thrilled to see some characters she knew. 

Our group, minus Mom. 

I made Audrey match me. 

Right about the time Audrey was getting too tired, Adam had been sleeping for a good 15 minutes. Poor Daddy. But it was such a fun night, I am glad that Audrey is getting interested in so many new things! 

20 Months

One month older and wiser too! 

This month we'll share some pictures of what Miss Audrey has been up to since our last update. 

 New favorite snack: A piece of cold bread.

 Ever the entertaining sleeper. (Sorry about the bluriness)

 Been seeing a lot more of our Christensen cousins. 

Audrey and Sarah at Layne and Luke's soccer game.

 Channeling her true Audrey Hepburn. 

And started to be amazing at church! 

Can sit for almost all of sacrament.

 Still FaceTime our Love girls a couple times a week.

 "Chilling" while eating pretzels. 

 Don't get too excited, she didn't actually go potty! 

But she is definitely interested. 

Mommy just needs to buckle down and do it. 

 She helped carve her first pumpkin and she loved it! 

 I thought she would have the hardest time because she is a clean freak but she dived right in.

 New favorite activity is coloring! 

Obsessed with coloring we should say.

This is her new pose and it kills me! 

She is getting too big. 

 Audrey was Rapunzel for Halloween! 

She looked so cute and even had a Pascal and frying pan as props. 

 Our little chef helped Amber with Halloween treats. 

Must get her an apron for Christmas.

 We tried to go for a few walks but it's getting MIGHTY chilly here. 

But she looks like a mini Linda.

 Our silly girl.

 Kenny came and spent the weekend with us!

 No one makes Audrey laugh harder than Kennedy.

 We went on ANOTHER trip to the zoo. 

And got to ride on the beloved choo choo train.

Walked the entire time at the zoo hand in hand with Daddy.

She is saying "shh" because the gorillas were sleeping.

 She is the greatest thing ever. 

 The animals were in rare form! 

This guy was right above them and roaring like mad.

Which scared Audrey to death.

 Took a few trips to the park with our cousins.

She is getting so big that she goes down the slides all by herself!

 We took a trip to the Waffle Love truck, which Audrey devoured. 

 Love of chocolate is growing deeper.

 Painted our "Thankful" Pumpkins.

 She is turning pro.

Another month older, another month closer to 2!

11/12/13

One year ago today, we stood up to our abuser. 
It has been a really rough year, but so worth it. 
I am happy to feel a bit more "free". 
By standing up to him, it has put all other changes in my life into motion. 
To give me the strength and courage to change.
He never did respond, he wouldn't answer my calls or my message.
But it doesn't matter. 
He saw the words I wrote, the truth I typed. 
And I love the last thing I said to him, because it is absolutely true.
His silence has proved his guilt.

I know this message has been horrible, and I hate saying such harsh things to anyone, but this isn't about you. This is about me standing up to my abuser. I don't know what you will do with this information and frankly I don't care anymore. You have heard my say. You have heard 1 millionth of the pain you have caused me. You can try to grow from this, or you can run and hide. But your silence is proving your guilt.

This moment was a crossroads for me.
The 4 year old scared girl stood up to her monster and made HIM afraid for a change.
I am grateful for an older sister who has always looked out for me, and made this day happen.
Just one more step in overcoming this heartache.

Waffle Love

Have you heard of this waffle truck? DELISH. I had heard about them last year and we went for the first time in February. But today we were finally able to go again! I follow them on Instagram and Facebook and I drool every time they post that they are somewhere close to us. After the bad week I had - Adam didn't even hesitate when I asked if we could go. 

MMMM MMMM MMM. Seriously you need to try it. It is absolutely delicious. We highly recommend the "Nutella Love". I like it just fine with bananas but Adam prefers both bananas and strawberries. But honestly everything is delicious. And also? The Caramel Apple Cider. My heart nearly stopped. I'm not kidding. I must have another ASAP.

Plus it's kid friendly! What kid doesn't love waffles and fruit? Or maybe that's just my kid. 

Please Let Me Babble

The past week has been the worst of my life.

And when I say that, I am not joking. 

Everything else that I USED to think was the worst week, now when I think back I go "at least I was prepared for what happened".

This time I just was blind sided.

I was in pain on Wednesday and went to a doctor.

Diagnosis #1. 

I was in complete shock, really really angry, and devastated.

My head was still reeling, I still wasn't sleeping or eating when Friday came along.

Friday = Diagnosis #2.

Crohn's disease.

This one I'll tell you about - the other, I just can't even get the words out.

By the time Friday came along I couldn't even take it.

I drove home and cried and cried and cried.

Just the Monday before I kept smiling at Adam at dinner and kept saying "I am so happy, life is so great."

Why does it seem like the best times are just faking you out before everything comes crashing down? Or are you happy to try to get through the trials? Ugh I don't know and I am sick of analyzing it. And I usually don't like posting crap like this, but I promised to be real. And if I don't share it here, I don't know where I will. I have vented to everyone else close enough to me that they are probably seeking therapy and/or medication.

For Diagnosis #1 - I am on medicine that makes me very sick and frankly gives me the worst damn headache of my life. It has been an emotional roller coaster and not only made me upset, but has made me upset my whole family. It brought up all the old issues with my dad that most of us were overcoming by now. Now it just all got brought up again. 

When I got this diagnosis, there was ZERO hesitation from my doctor. It was we need to do testing to figure out which type it is. Then I found out Sunday that the test came back negative - at first I was irate! How dare they put me through what they put me through if they weren't positive, but then I was relieved. Yes I don't have it! My family and I don't need to be upset! I called the doctor joyous and ready to throw my medicine away - but oh no, they want me to keep taking it. They say a test is never 100% sure, keep taking the medicine, and we'll see you in 10 days. SERIOUSLY? So now I have no clue if I really have what they think I have, or if I'm just shoving these nasty pills down my throat for no good reason.

Diagnosis #1 has been physically and emotionally sickening, not to mention exhausting. Which has made the realness of Crohn's less than bearable. I learned from my doctor today that I will be starting steroids for 8 LONG weeks. When they told me about it originally it was 3 weeks. LIES. And when I was at the doctor they told me "Steroids are hell, but we do have a new type that some people think aren't as bad..." Should I appreciate them being straightforward with me, or punch them for making me even more depressed? 

But seriously - the cherry on the sundae today was them telling me I have to get another colonoscopy first thing in January. I begged, I pleaded. Was it absolutely necessary to do another one so soon?!?! They say I have to have this one within 8-10 weeks of my last one. They said I could get it right before Christmas, or this January date. I muted my phone, spit on the ground - then said "January" like a spoiled little brat.

I am just tired. Absolutely tired and exhausted. My poor husband has been amazing, and he and his brother and Dad gave me a beautiful blessing. I know that "trials make you stronger", but I just want a minute to be weak. Does that make any sense, does any of this make any sense? I want a break. Adam and I felt strongly that we needed to have a huge Anniversary get away this year, and boy do I realize why now. I have 17 more days until I get a break. I can do it. Right? 

And it's not all bad. I have to state that. I am incredibly blessed, and I can't forget the little tender mercies I am receiving:

Dinner with Jay and Tori.

Sushi. Delicious sushi.

Kelsy and my Mom. Their long phone calls that have calmed me down and made me not feel alone.

Diet coke. Blessed blessed drink.

Ben & Jerry's Strawberry Cheesecake Ice Cream. I can't even type it without drooling.

The Christensen's. For always stepping up to help with a blessing. For using their sacred priesthood power to help both Adam & I.

Anna. So glad my sister in law is becoming such a close friend. Thank you for always listening, for being my "therapist", my cheerleader, and for your freaking amazing fajitas.

My amazing little girl. She always comes up and says "I ho ju" meaning "I hold you", makes me tear up every time. And she'll randomly jump in my arms and start singing Barney's I Love You. She is such an amazing gift.

And Adam. As if he hasn't proved himself enough, this week sealed him as "Greatest Husband to Ever Roam the Earth". I am so grateful for a sweet, massage giving, dinner making, sweet kissing husband. I am the LUCKIEST girl on Earth to have him.

So this might all seem stupid, and I know I will survive. I just needed to vent and cry. And work on picking myself back up. 

Chicken & Broccoli Grilled Burritos

I am really really learning that recovering from my issues requires work. Yes some of it is very hard and very emotional and deep - but some is just plain easy! I think we often complain or beat ourselves up for small things, but if we take the time to just change what we don't like it can make a huge difference on how we feel.

For example: I was feeling like a crappy wife because I don't have all these extravagant ideas on what to cook, or I beg my husband to let us eat out because I am too tired, too stressed, too hungry, etc. Then you feel depressed and down so you look on social media - and what do you do? Start comparing yourself and your "bad qualities" with all the wives and moms who seem to have it all together. Then I worry that I am a crappy mom because I make the same things over and over, or give Audrey take out. Which spirals to you are going to get your entire family fat, or if you don't get fat you are going to be unhealthy, then you are going to die at 30.... welcome to the anxious mind. :) It had been months of beating myself up but not changing or working at changing and I had had enough!

I am no great chef, in fact I could happily eat the same 5 meals for probably 10 years. And they are all fast, easy, and satisfy MY taste buds. But I started using great old Pinterest and taking the time to change the things I didn't like. I looked for easy things that "no kitchen skills Allie" could make, but it also had to be ingredients that we already have! I didn't want to spend a fortune just to change some things I didn't like. I found some meals, made a menu (in advance!), then went to the store and got only a few new ingredients. 

It has been fantastic! Not only do I feel like a cute little wife and momma while I cook away in the kitchen, I am seeing exactly what goes into our mouths and making healthier choices. Plus now we have been killing my resolution of having more dinners at the table, woot woot. Which in turn has had us turn off Audrey's movies during dinner, and make sure we are having a prayer and actually talking to one another (what a concept).

So this was me telling you in a very drawn out way that I found a recipe that you should try if you are wanting something quick and easy. And also that once again, I am learning that if you are unhappy, depressed, anxious - you have to work! Don't just sit there and be miserable, make the changes that you want to see. It sometimes the smallest things that can start making the biggest difference.

Now for the recipe, I wanted this blogger to get credit and not steal their pictures so go here. You might see it and say "this is so simple why is she so giddy about this?" But! We love love love burritos and I make another style a couple times a week, but these ones are quicker and aren't so heavy. With our schedules and how little we have family time - our motto for dinner is quick and easy. Plus it was so delicious and doesn't leave you so full, plus the Green Giant bag you buy is super cheap! I'm pretty sure I only paid $1.45 for it and we made about 7 small burritos! Which is a win in my book. 

Resolutions

I am a big big fan of resolutions. I am one of those people who seriously think about them and obsess on how to get them completed. Have I ever completed every single one? Psh yeah right. But with it suddenly hitting November I have gotten an added urge to finish a couple of mine.

I learned a couple years ago that I personally need fun ones, and tangible ones. If I just say that "I want to be a better person" I feel overwhelmed on where to start and just give up. So I thought I'd share my resolutions this year and the ones I have completed/still working on:

• Read Pride & Prejudice. 
• Buy Petunia Pickle diaper bag. [We got money for it, and I have wanted one seriously since we've been married. But when I went to buy it, I just couldn't do it. I couldn't justify so much money on something that holds supplies to change a poopy diaper. However! I did get a knock off Petunia Pickle, definitely still more expensive than is my taste but I love it and am grateful for my husband allowing me to even get the knock off! Plus saved more than 50%, word.]
• Read The Great Gatsby. [Reading right now]
• Buy The Hunger Games series.
• Don't get pregnant. [So far so good, just gotta make it two more months. :)]
• Pay off debt. [I don't exactly know how to do this one. We paid off every cent of debt we had with our tax return back in February, but then Adam lost his job and we had to rack them back off to stay afloat. So we'll say it counts for paying off debt once this year! :)]
• Go to Oregon. [This has been delayed but we are still going, just not until March! Counting the days.]
• Take Adam to Pizza Factory.
• Make Audrey a scrapbook.
• Buy new clothes. 
• Do something great for Adam's birthday. [I should get EXTRA points for this one!]
• Have the apartment fully decorated. [So close so close so close! I am going to need the help from Santa to really finish everything.]
• Read The Inferno.
• Get presents for Adam for Christmas.
• Try bold new hairstyle. [I really was meaning something like bright red hair when I made this goal, but hey my cut was pretty out of the norm for me.]
• More family dinners at table.
• Throw a fondue party. [Only a few more weeks until we can cross this one off!]
• Audrey crawl.  [This was the very first resolution that was completed this year! One of the best moments of the year for sure.]
• Audrey walk.
• Audrey 1st word. [Besides Mama and Dada, her first word was "duck"! She said it in the tub completely out of the blue.]
• Audrey see Santa Claus. [She didn't see him last year! Rubbish Mommy I know, but we WILL see him this year no matter what.]
• Send out Valentines. [My first fail of the year... oh well!]
• Send out Christmas Cards. [Soon!]
• Start meditation.
• Try essential oils.
• Family Pictures.
• Go to an Indian restaurant for Adam. [I may or may not be procrastinating on this one... bleh]
• Try to make homemade sushi.
• Make Audrey a dress. [I need serious help on this one.]

So these are the "tangible" resolutions I set for myself, the rest are those generic ones that I really can't pass off. Or at least not pass until the end of the year. Like I said I have a sudden crazy itch to finish as many more as I possibly can. So if you also need a kick of motivation - we still have 2 months left! YOU CAN DO IT! I'll do an update in another month and hopefully my list will be nearly completed.