Happy Birthday

We have lived out on our own for an entire year today! Which might seem silly and pathetic to some, but to me this is a huge and proud moment! I honestly didn't know if I could do it. We lived on our own for 6 months when we first got married but when I got so sick I didn't think I would be able to be a "normal" adult again. But here I am. I have a happy and very smart daughter, who has never been want for any necessities. I have worked at the same company for 8 months this week, and lived on my own for a year. I do all the laundry, all the dishes, I am the homemaker, the mother, the wife, the decorator, the grocery shopper, the Audrey picker-upper, I can do this. I can have a happy and healthy life. I can function and live my life. You have no idea how huge and momentous this is! And all of this has taught me some significant life lessons:

1) It DOES NOT matter what you go through in your life. You can change how YOU react, and how YOU change your life for the better or worse.

2) You can do hard things. You can overcome. With sheer determination, a lot of work, and hopefully some support. But you can overcome, I can overcome the things that I've gone through.

3) Although being an adult is hard and a lot of times you want to rob a bank, it is the best. Having my own home, my own family, my own rules - it makes me really feel like a wife and mother. 

4) I can be a mom, and a good one at that. Do I have room to improve? OF COURSE, but I love Audrey. I am a good mom, she is happy and healthy, she is smart and funny, she has always been taken care of.

After dealing with the abuse, I honestly didn't think I could even stay on Earth any longer. It seemed too hard and too impossible. But I have worked my butt off and done everything I can to "re-arrange my stars", to put the past behind me, and to realize what a happy wonderful life I have ahead of me. So Happy Birthday dear home that I love so much, and Happy Birthday to Functioning Adult Allie. Welcome to the world. 

She was so excited about the cupcakes until I put the candle in. But she still is ADORABLE.

She wouldn't even look at us. :( Poor girl, where on Earth did she get this fear?

Gardner Village

I bought my own copy of Hocus Pocus which has quickly become Audrey's new favorite movie. She is obsessed! When you ask her what witches say she goes, "HEE HEE HEE" and she also doesn't say witches but changes the W to a B... as you can imagine we laugh hysterically every time she mentions it. Because of her new obsession we were really excited to take her to Gardner Village and watch her go bananas. 

Cupcakes

Although I miss Adam terribly with his work schedule - I love Saturday mornings with my Audrey. Today marks 1 year that we have lived in our apartment - which as I'll explain in another blog is a big deal for us. We ran out and got all the fixin's for cupcakes. If there is anything to know about Audrey, it's that she loves to help and more than that - she LOVES to cook. I'm 99% she is going to be a chef, or maybe just make delicious meals for all her babies. 

1st Day

Today I started my new job! You can move within my company every 6 months, and I had only been doing my job for just over 7 when I applied. I did not think I had any chance to get the job but I found out I got it on September 4th! It was torture but I had to wait over 6 weeks to stop taking incoming phone calls. 

I hopped one aisle over so I now sit next to my unofficial sister in law Tori, and have had three blissful days with no calls. AHHHH. Monday and Tuesday I was kind of in "no man's land" just working the same claims but not answering phones, meanwhile sitting next to "official enrollment peeps" then on the other side I had customer service still answering those dang calls. So it was weird but a nice little break.

But today was the official first day of training! Our trainer is fantastic and she trained me for customer service/claims - so I am happy to be back with her. My new team is a lot smaller but seem really close and fun. They all chipped in to have Subway lunch today to celebrate my first day. Then to top it off, Adam sent me flowers!

I am so incredibly grateful for this change. When I got the e-mail saying that this job was opened I felt like it was a god send but didn't feel like I had a chance. But getting off the phones and having a lower stress job I know will help so much, if not just help my anxiety. It also will allow me to work an earlier schedule so that hopefully there will be more time with Audrey, and a couple more hours with Adam which always is a blessing.

19 Months

I am amazed by how much Audrey constantly grows and changes, and I wanted to start documenting it more frequently so hopefully we can remember more. So today, this little girl is 19 months old!

This picture just kills me. It captures her personality so well.

So here's a little bit about Audrey right now:

She just got Kennedy's old play kitchen so right now it is her life. She loves to make "applesauce".

Also: Audrey is obsessed with applesauce, she is not eating it as frequently but she is constantly saying the word. We will be playing with her and she'll be muttering under her breath "applesauce, applesauce, applesauce." Not sure why that's going on but it's hilarious.

She LOVES Nemo. She has recently gotten into the "tantrum phase" and all I have to do is start singing "Just keep swimming" and she'll immediately stop and smile. Heaven bless you, Dory!

She LOVES pizza. She eats it like a champ and pronounces it "pibza".
Still absolutely obsessed with shoes, her current favorite are her Frozen sparkly ballet flats.
She calls her bottle "babas" and is more attached to it than ever. :/ It's just so convenient! Have to break this habit soon.
We have the house decorated for Halloween, I'll have to post stuff later, but she loves the Halloween decor. Right when she wakes up and right when she gets home she says "Ghosts awhn!" So we can turn our ghosts lights on. We have also taught her to say "witches hee hee hee", this hopefully will come in handy at Gardner Village this year.
She loves to pull out her hair in massive chunks - which makes me want to pull MY hair out. Hopefully this is a phase and it'll be over soon. Her hair is too beautiful and perfect to rip out.
Obsessed with Daddy, most days won't let Mommy even hold her because she just wants Daddy. Frustrating and sad? Yes but it is so cute how much they love each other. 

Medication

For those of you who know a little bit about my "recovery background" know that I had some major problems with medications in the past. I ended up going off all medication cold turkey - then BAM got pregnant and didn't have a choice to try more. I have tried to avoid using them but a few weeks ago it became apparent that I needed something to help me.

I went to a doctor 42 days ago and went into great lengths about the problems I had before, what I did and didn't want, and my concerns. To my disappointment the doctor just randomly pulled a drug out of thin air and said "How 'bout we try Celexa?" What is Celexa paying for your golf this month? But I decided that I needed them badly enough that I would try them and just see. Adam and I talked in great length and decided I would take them at night before bed in case they made me really sick or worse case scenario - pass out. Adam gave me a blessing that I would be safe that night, then GULP down they went. 

Guys. I can't even BEGIN to explain the difference I have seen in the last 42 days. It was seriously like my world has been in black and white but suddenly I see colors. Okay that sounds dramatic but really, it has been such a help. Granted I decided to take them when I was really low and really suicidal so I already am mentally in a better place. But the medicine helped me to have more energy, to be more motivated, and to just feel more optimistic. It has been such a breath of fresh air!

And right in the middle of this new journey with this medication - I had someone reach out to me about past issues with meds and if I thought it was worth it. And what I truly believe is that this is SUCH a personal decision and one that only YOU can make. I had tried other things; putting all my energy into the gospel, essential oils, therapy, you name it. And at times each of these helped more than others, just like now the time was right to try medication again. Maybe the other times weren't right, maybe my body wasn't ready to work on a lot of the issues I now am. Or maybe simply my Audrey was yearning to come down here and it just worked out how it was supposed to. Who knows but bottom line, don't let other people pressure you to take OR not to take medication. It should be your decision.

I am so relieved that it has been working but of course every medication has side effects. The main one that I have noticed is that I suddenly have a case of insomnia. Which makes sense because I take my med at night and it's an upper, or course it's going to make you not as tired. So I have played around with taking it at a different time and I'm fairly certain I feel comfortable enough now to do that.

And I also don't believe that medication is the only answer. For me, I have a lot I need to work on and I lot of things I want to improve about myself. I am going to therapy, still taking essential oils, trying to eat clean and exercise, and also rely on the gospel more. I also personally feel like my dose needs to be a little higher. I went for a follow up with my doctor last week and he said the longer you are on the medication they better you begin to feel. We are going to try the dose I am taking for another month and then possibly add another half or see about adding another drug.

I will give more updates as they come, I believe in being open about pretty much everything - but especially depression and emotional struggles. I hope someone out there can read this and know that this stuff is okay and SHOULD be talked about and you can feel comfortable doing that here or to me.

A New Beginning

A new blog, again. Sue me. I miss blogging, I miss the outlet. I'm changing so many things in my life right now. I am getting stronger and so much better - and it's time to start sharing the journey again. I am beginning to love myself. You have no idea how huge this is. I'm beginning to accept myself, and acknowledge that I am a good wife and mother. I have the greatest husband and daughter in the world - and they are my strength and motivation for everything. I am taking medication, going to therapy, and working my tail off to become who I want to be. I'm crazy in love with my husband, and in awe over my sweet bobbin. And here we will share some of our adventures!